How to Prepare & Face an Interview

An interview can be defined as a face to face oral communication between the interviewer and the interviewee in order to assess the views, attitudes and ideas of the interviewee. However the interview process also enables the interviewee and observers to assess the skill and ability of the interviewer. Thus, an interview is a test of both the communicants and parties engaged in the interaction. Intelligence, knowledge, personal qualities and character are revealed and both parties are required to be well prepared. The process allows everyone involved to make some important decisions. The candidate decides whether he should accept the position and the interviewer decides whether the candidate should be appointed; this decision may affect the organizational interests.

The following suggestions are advisable when faced with an interview:

• Dress appropriately - A well dressed and groomed appearance can do wonders for that first impression. Now is not exactly the time to make a fashion statement so a tastefully chosen professional outfit, with suitable accessories like a hand-bag or brief case should be fine.

• Posture and Carriage - The way in which the candidate carries himself while walking and sitting tells the interviewer about your confidence. Good "carriage" and posture have to be developed over a period of time and are essential in distinguishing a shoddy and careless attitude from a sharp and alert one.

• Be confident - Self confidence, or the lack of it, is observed through your behavior, right from the way you sit to how you speak. Good manners and proper behavior are obviously necessary. Suitable greetings for the time of the day and other formalities must be known to the interviewee; for example, sit down only after being told to; elbows must not be put on the table; the brief case or bag should be kept on the floor beside the chair and do not play with any of your accessories or clothes. Nervous movements betray show a lack of confidence and concentration.

• Mental Preparation - The candidate should be well informed about current events, domestic and international, and topics of general interest. Regular reading of newspapers, listening to radio and TV discussions, participating in group discussions and general reading habits are helpful activities in developing the required mental status for an interview.

Information about the organization, its directors, turnover, share capital and other relevant information which are available in its annual report, is expected of candidates by public limited companies. A candidate must know as much as possible about the prospective employer company.

• Go back to the books - The candidate should also possess adequate knowledge in the subjects studied during graduation and professional examinations. A reasonable revision of the subjects can solve the purpose. Several general questions and biographical questions are usually asked by the interviewers and candidates should be well prepared to answer them.

• No guessing games - In situations where the candidate does not know the answer to a question it is always better to state ones inability to answer than to make a guess. No one is expected to know everything; admitting that one does not know the answer reflects honesty.

• Be clear - A candidate must have clarity of purpose and determination enough to want to know his prospects in the organization. He/she must be able to ask questions about the nature of duties, employee benefits, future prospects and other things which he may want to know about the organization before taking any decision.

• Know your own worth - It is advisable to talk about salary without appearing to be bargaining and without being driven or defeated. This requires careful prior thinking; if possible this topic should be discussed with the family and with experienced elders or friends. It is useful to assess ones training, experience, proved ability, as well as needs, in order to quantify ones worth. It is, of course, necessary to know the payments made for similar positions or work in other companies.

• At the end, candidate's are usually not sure when to leave. If the interviewers indicate that the interview is over, collect your bag, wish them and thank them for their friendly attitude and leave. Some candidates, due to nervousness, seem to be in a hurry to leave and forget to wish or thank the interviewers. Always remember that your parting movements are also closely observed so hurried and frantic movements may betray an earlier composed attitude.

In order to succeed in an interview each individual must make an honest self-assessment and find out one's areas of strength and weakness. Knowledge of one's deficiencies is useful in overcoming weaknesses and unconscious bad habits of posture or speech can be improved by effort. Shortcomings which cannot be overcome can be accepted and acknowledged so that they do not lead to depression and embarrassment when others notice them. Therefore, coming to terms with oneself and knowing how to deal with one's faults, and how to make the best use of one's knowledge and skills, is another vital element in preparing for an interview.

Ways for Good Salary Negotiations

Negotiating a better salary package has put more than a few stomachs in knots over the years. Remember, we all go through it sooner or later. Keep these 9 basic tips in mind when it´s your turn to ask for a sweeter deal.

1. Be Persuasive

It´s hard to force your boss to increase your compensation, and trying to do so can potentially damage your working relationship. Think about the process as trying to convince him that it might benefit the organization to pay you more.

1. Aim High, and Be Realistic

Many researchers have found a strong correlation between people´s aspirations and the results they achieve in negotiation. At the same time, you want to suggest ideas to which your boss can realistically say yes.

1. Start Off with the Right Tone

You want to let your boss know you will listen and try to understand his views. At the same time, you expect your boss to do the same for you so you can work together to address this issue. Avoid ultimatums, threats and other coercive behavior.

1. Clarify Your Interests

Your compensation should satisfy a range of needs, not just salary. Make sure you have thought about other points of value to you as well-like profit sharing, stock options that vest immediately, a bonus, greater work responsibilities, a quicker promotion schedule, increased vacation or flexible hours.

1. Anticipate Your Boss´s Interests

Just like you, your boss has needs and concerns. To persuade him to say yes, your ideas will have to address those things that are important to him.

1. Create Several Options

Joint brainstorming is the most effective way to find ideas that satisfy everyone´s interests. It works best when you separate it from commitment-first create possible solutions, and then decide among them.

1. Focus on Objective Criteria

It is far easier to persuade someone to agree with your proposal if he sees how that proposal is firmly grounded on objective criteria, such as what similar firms pay people of like experience or what others in the company make.

1. Think Through Your Alternatives

In case you cannot persuade your boss to say yes, you need to have a backup plan. Part of preparation is creating a specific action plan so you know what you´ll do if you have to walk away from the table.

1. Prepare Thoughtfully to Achieve Your Goals & Review to Learn

This is the only aspect of your negotiations you can completely control. To take advantage of all of the above advice, you have to invest a significant amount of your time and energy.

The only way you can really improve your ability to negotiate is to explicitly learn from your experiences. After you finish negotiations, reflect on what you did that worked well and what you might want to do differently next time.

A Quick Guide to Alien Alcohol

If you plan to planet-hop, you better know what they’re shoving across the bar. They tend to be stronger, more colorful, occasionally radioactive, and some can leave you with a permanent hangover. Here’s a taste:

Aldeberan Whiskey
A potent green liquor that Scotty was particularly fond of. Then again, he’d be fond of tribbles if he could suck hooch out of them. The prop bottle used in the series is actually a modified bottle of Cuervo Gold 1800 Tequila.

Blood Wine
A variety of super-fortified Klingon vino, Worf programmed the replicators aboard the latter-day Enterprise to produce a close approximation. Served warm, it is traditionally pounded by Klingon warriors being inducted into the elite Order of the Bat’lesth. If you fancy yourself a more sophisticated intergalactic marauder, you can add a splash to gin and vermouth and you got yourself a Klingon Martini. The prop bottle was a bottle of Cuervo Margarita Mix with a coat of white paint.

Chateau Picard
A fine wine produced at the Picard family vineyards in Labarre, France. Probably about 2% alcohol, it hits you like the slap of a silk glove. As opposed to Kirk Ripple which is 25% and comes on like a flying two-legged kick.

Finagle’s Folly
Perfected by Kirk’s personal physician/mixologist Dr. Leonard McCoy, he bragged to Kirk he was famous "from here to Orion" for this cocktail. By the expression on Kirk’s face after he tasted it, he was thinking, “You mean, infamous, don’t ya, Bones?”

Kanar
The Glennfiddich of Cardassia, this viscous brown liquid apparently takes some getting used to. But, as the Cardassians like to say, “If you can drink three bottles in a single setting you won’t get a hangover. Because you’ll be dead.”

Mot'loch
A potent Klingon booze that is traditionally guzzled as part of a traditional observance of the Klingon Day of Honor. The observance includes the Ritual of Twenty Painsticks, combat with a bat'leth master, and a traverse of the sulfur lagoons of Gorath. Makes St. Patty’s Day look like an AA meeting.

Romulan Ale
This real ale (as in real fucking strong) brewed by the Romulan Empire is illegal to possess in Federation territory, although the crew of the Enterprise never seemed to have any problem getting their hands on it. Light blue in color, it is responsible for at least one war between the Federation and the Klingon Empire (Kirk thought it was a bright idea to serve it during a diplomatic conference.) While the quality of their booze is beyond reproach, the uptight Romulans make for poor party guests. They’re so un-hip even their glassware is square.

Samarian Sunset
A cocktail sometimes prepared by Commander Data. It initially appears clear, but develops a multicolored hue when the rim of the glass is tapped sharply. Don’t know what it tastes like, but I’ll wager it’s a little fruity.

Saurian Brandy
The intergalactic version of Thunderbird. Enjoyed by Captain Kirk, and sometimes the crew when he wasn’t hogging it all. This liquor seems readily available on even the most backwater of planets and was responsible for Kirk landing in the brig at least once. The prop bottle was actually a George Dickel Tennessee Sour Mash Whiskey carafe.

Synthehol
This is the infamous alcohol-substitute served up by the Ferengi on the latter-day Star Trek spin-offs. It’s designed to supply the taste and odor of alcohol, without the hangover and kick. Check, please!

Tzartak Aperitif
Specialty beverage served by Guinan in the Enterprise-D's Ten Forward lounge. The drink is adjusted so its vapor point is one half degree below the body temperature of the patron, causing it to immediately evaporate upon contact with the drinker's tongue. You know, like Bud Light.

Tamarian Frost
Sweet drink served in Ten-Forward Lounge, this one is strictly for yeomen and androids.

Telluridian Synthale
A drink prized by the surviving colonists on the planet Turkana IV, the beverage was scarce enough to become a commodity worth stealing from opposing cadres. Sounds to me like the writers like to take ski vacations in Colorado.

Vulcan Port
Very intoxicating to alien races, the Vulcans claimed this insanely strong liquor merely served to clear their minds and palettes. Uh huh. My dad used to say the same thing about Jim Beam. Reportedly tasting like crap until it’s been aged at least two-hundred years, it is not recommended for the casual homebrewer.

Warnog
The Klingons claim warnog is a ferocious ale with more bite than a Kazakian Saber Shark, but it sounds to me like they’re trying to toughen up the local version of eggnog.

Wee Bairns Scotch Whiskey
Chief O'Brien and Dr Bashir got loaded on this stuff then proceeded to launch into an off-key rendition of "Chariots of Fire." You know, the same effect Zima has on theater majors. Suddenly Klingon Blood Wine doesn’t sound so bad

Make no mistake

Make no mistake—Captain Kirk and his crew were cowboys and they treated the universe like the Wild West. There was always a lot of solemn talk about the Prime Directive and not interfering with native cultures, but that went right out the window the moment Kirk laid eyes on the first attractive female of whatever species they came across. Sure, they solved a lot of problems, but half the time they were solving problems they created. The crew of the original Enterprise wasn’t trying to unite the universe, they weren’t trying to right the universe’s many and sundry wrongs—they were looking for kicks.

And alcohol played an essential role in that quest. It was a beautiful situation—you not only got to drink, you got to drink ales, wines and liquors the human race couldn’t even imagine. And they always seemed stronger than our silly earthling libations, every alien race bragged their booze would floor a human if he so much as looked in the bottle’s direction. Klingon Blood Wine, Romulan Ale, Saurian Brandy—they came on harder than a photon torpedo barrage and when you woke up, if you woke up, you’d be nursing a nebula-sized hangover the fastest warp drive in the universe couldn’t outrun. Humans were considered the lightweights of the universe, a bunch of Bartle-and-James swilling high school punks among whiskey-chugging dilithium-crystal miners.

Then Kirk and his boys came along. Kirk could not only hold his own with the extraterrestrial hooch, he was backed up by a hard-pounding crew. Spock wasn’t much help (Vulcans are the designated drivers of the Universe), but Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy thought so little of the potent alien liquors he administered them as cough syrup. And he had skills too, when he wasn’t wiping out planetary epidemics and pronouncing any number of security crewmen dead, he was concocting cocktails that that would become infamous from one end of the galaxy to the other. And Scotty, don’t get me started on that beautiful son of a bitch. Born and bred to it like a bird dog, this Aberdeen son could drink a transporter room full of aliens under the table then whistle Tura-lura-lura all the way back to his private stash of scotch. These three walk in a Klingon pub and half an hour later Klingon heads are hitting tables like Bacchus’s own drum roll.

And why shouldn’t they have been boozy philanderers? Their creator, Gene Rodenberry certainly was. So was the inventor of the Warp Drive, Zefram Cochrane. Zeph refused to pilot a starship sober, under any circumstances, and was even able to coerce that super-PC empath Counselor Troi into getting hammered on shots of tequila.

It was because of the hard (yet somehow enjoyable) work of the original crew that earthlings soon enjoyed a universal reputation as being the hardest drinking wild-asses who ever rode a rocket into space. Then everything went to hell.

The Synthehol Boondoggle
Synthehol. It sounds like aftershave without the kick, which is sadly close to the truth. After Kirk finished ripping up (and repopulating) the universe, a bunch of Earl Grey-sipping sissies followed in his wake. Star Trek: The Next Generation absorbed the political correctness of its era and came up with sinister synthehol. Instead of chugging their hooch from bottles liberated from burning Romulan Birds of Prey, on-board replicators create the libations swilled on the latter-day Federation starships. An obvious bow to MADD, these artificial liquors are supposed to taste and smell exactly like alcohol but mete out no hangovers and here’s the kicker—its effects can be easily disregarded. In other words, the current writers are attempting to take advantage of the inherent drama of the ship’s lounge and its booze while being able to say to the network censors, “It doesn’t really get them drunk.”

Problem is, people (and aliens) keep getting loaded on the stuff. Real alcohol-based hooch is available for the right price -- even that tea-sipping, starship-surrendering ponce Picard has the bartender keep a bottle of real-deal Aldeberan Whiskey behind the bar for his own private use. Make no mistake though, just because his family owns a vineyard on Earth and he stashed some good stuff doesn’t mean he’s a latter-day Kirk. Examine this exchange with the young Wesley Crusher after the lad had tucked into a little hooch.

Wesley: So you mean I'm drunk! I feel strange, but also good.
Picard: (huffily putting aside his knitting) Because you have lost the capacity for self-judgment. Alcohol does this, Wesley!

Kirk would have challenged the upstart whelp to a Romulan Ale drinking contest, then hooked him up with an Orion slave girl.

The only latter-day crew member who might be cool enough to hang with Kirk’s crew is Worf, who keeps getting the Klingon slogan, “It’s a good day to die” mixed up with “It’s a good day to drink.” He also likes dishing out the threats when Picard and his gang of lightweights invite him to have spritzers with them. “You would be so drunk you would not be able to stand,” he tells Riker after he asks for a taste of Klingon hooch. And he expresses the universal drunkard sentiment to Picard: “Don’t get between me and my blood wine!” An alien after my own heart.

The hardest drinking human is probably Chief O’Brien down in Engineering. There’s something about the engineering room that seems to either attract drunks or drive men to drink. Maybe it’s that weird low hum that’s always coming off the dilithium crystals, or the lingering, hard-to-shake realization that if a single molecule of matter gets into the antimatter chamber the whole shebang explodes into a black hole the size of Pluto. Wouldn’t you be getting hammered any chance you got?

As far as synthehol tasting exactly like alcohol—well, it didn’t pass the Scotty test. He tasted the swill during an appearance on the new Star Trek and was ready to start cracking some heads, old-Trek style, when Data hastily came up with a dusty bottle of Aldeberan Whiskey (probably Picard’s bottle). From that point on that smarmy android was aces in my Captain’s Log.

But enough of the new, let’s get back to the old, where the Saurian Brandy flowed like Klingon blood wine and Yeomen wore miniskirts so short they’d make a Ferengi blush.

The Enemy Within
Due to a transporter malfunction, Kirk is split into two separate captains—one wildass, one mild mannered. Which, coincidentally, is the exact same excuse I use after my fifth shot of tequila.

The wildass Kirk wastes no time getting the party started, storming into sick bay and demanding a bottle of Saurian Brandy, which McCoy apparently keeps around for medicinal purposes. When McCoy demurs, Kirk goes last-call crazy: "I said give me the brandy!" he snarls, then chokes the doctor a little bit to get his point across. McCoy, rethinking his previous selfishness, coughs it up. Kirk snatches it away and starts hitting the hooch the moment he steps into the hallway, managing to almost finish it off before he decides to pay a visit to the quarters of Yeoman Rand, the leggy blonde who’d been giving him the eye. It doesn’t go so well from there and Kirk gets a nasty facial scratch for his troubles. Hey, all he wanted to do was party.
The Tholian Web
The crew is going crazy from space waves and Dr. McCoy instructs everyone to slam a diluted shot of Klingon nerve poison to deaden certain nerve impulses. Scott refuses until McCoy tells him he used alcohol as the diluting agent and that, after drinking it, a man could be hit with phaser stun without feeling a thing. "Any good scotch will do that,” Scottie says and drinks it down.

By Any Other Name
When a gang of super beings who’ve taken human form hijack the Enterprise, Kirk decides to undo them by appealing to their new-found human sensations. Kirk goes for the seduction (natch), McCoy employs his powers of irritation and Scotty brings into play his own special strength—he tries to drink one of them under the table.

"Lad, you're gonna need something to wash that down with,” Scotty says, strolling over to where the alien Tomar eats. “Have you ever tried any Saurian brandy?" Tomar shakes his head no and they repair to Scotty’s quarters for an interspecies drink-off. They drink every bottle of brandy Scotty has on hand, which is saying something because Scotty was apparently stocked up for a very long drought. Tomar is hanging in there like an Irish uncle and Scotty decides it’s time to go for the big guns, dragging out his treasured bottle of Ganymede Scotch. Talk about self-sacrifice. Tomar inquires, "What is it?" All Scotty can squeeze out is, “Well, it's . . . um . . . it's green." (Data would repeat the exact same line when he produced the bottle in the aforementioned encounter with Scotty.)

They tuck into the scotch and just before they polish it off Tomar takes a dive. Scotty, his job done, takes a little nap himself seconds later. Humans: 1 Super Aliens: 0.

Requiem for Methuselah
Detained by yet another super-powered alien, Kirk and his away team are forced to hang around and drink one hundred-year-old Saurian Brandy. No one is more surprised than Kirk and Bones when Spock opts to join them in a drink. So perhaps Spock isn’t a teetotaler at all, merely a snob.

Soon a much looser Spock is playing the piano and making rare confessions: “I am close to experiencing an unaccustomed emotion." "What emotion is that?" McCoy wants to know. "Envy," Spock replies. Drinking someone else’s hundred-year-old Saurian brandy tends to induce that emotion. Later Spock has to wipe Kirk’s brain so he forgets the chick he gets hooked on. Spock uses a mind probe, not the brandy.

Obsession
Spock approaches McCoy, asking a rare favor indeed. He tells Bones, “I need your advice.”

“Then I need a drink,” McCoy answers, then, while “having a drop,” offers some to the Vulcan, who refuses, snidely firing back: "My father's race was spared the dubious benefits of alcohol." McCoy comes right back at him with: "Oh. Now I know why they were conquered." Game, set and match, baby.

The Ultimate Computer
After Kirk gets replaced by a new super-computer (they call Kirk Captain Dunsel, for crissakes), the good Doctor McCoy soothes Kirk’s bruised ego with his own special concoction: Finagle’s Folly, a cocktail which he brags is famous from “here to Orion.” Now that’s a doctor I’d trust my life with.

A man is, ultimately, the sum of his accomplishments.

Each culture, of course, has a different idea as to what rates as an accomplishment. Muslims, for example, put a tremendous amount of stock into making a pilgrimage to Mecca, while generations of Frenchmen have taken great pride in not tripping over their discarded rifles while fleeing the Germans.

The subculture of avid drinkers, living as we do by our own set of rules and priorities, has an entirely different idea altogether, to the degree that our notion of a goal worth achieving may well appear bad behavior or even a criminal offense to the parent culture.

I think it a sad sign of the times that, in this age of entrenched nannyism and political correctness, a person is more likely to be judged by what he refrained from doing than what he actually did. It’s no longer important that you climbed the mountain, but rather how many boulders you didn't “accidentally” dislodge and let roll down on the less daring hunkered in the valley below.

Fortunately, imbibers have historically been immune to popular opinion, so hence this list. If you manage all forty before you take a barstool at St. Gabriel’s Pearly Gate Lounge, you may feel secure in the fact that you’ve lived a rich and full life, even if only the boys and girls down at happy hour think so. And when you do belly up to that big open bar in the sky and the bartender asks: “What sort of life did you lead?” you can look him right in the eye and say, “Gabe, baby, I’m glad this is eternity, because I’ve got a helluva lot of stories to tell.”

1) Open and close a bar.
Find one that opens its doors before noon. Stake out a comfortable seat and hunker down. Resist informing the bartender of your tremendous plan, as this will cause him to pour waves of pre-celebratory shots and you won’t survive happy hour. Pacing is everything. Watch the crowds come and go, watch bartenders rise, reign and fade while you remain like a cagey Methuselah. From that day forward, within the walls of that bar at least, your name will be legend.

2) Go on a bender.
I don’t mean a weekend binge. I’m talking a full-bore, hooch-bent, screw-work hoolihan. Dangerous, yes, but so is getting out of bed in the morning. True benders have gone the way of the snap brim fedora, which makes them all the greater currency in the world of drunks. It won’t be easy. You must start drinking the moment you wake up and carry on until you go under. Then start over again. In your grandfather’s day you had to drink two weeks straight before you could officially declare yourself on a proper jag, but that’s when a mug of beer cost a nickel. These days four straight days and nights will give you all the bragging rights you need.

3) Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day.
For some this is a typical evening, the rest will have to try harder. Unplug the phone, don’t answer the door and get down with your bad self. Stock up on ice, gather mixers if you need them, crack the seal and, inch by inch, take that proud bottle down. Take your own sweet time. Near the bottom you will discover a rich inner landscape you thought a barren desert. Explore it.

4) Dance like a fool in front of a large hooting crowd.
Cast aside your fear of public opinion, march to the center of the room’s attention and boogie down. You don’t need a partner, you don’t even need music, do a happy jig to the beat of your own drum. Of course, it helps to be really really drunk.

5) Spend a night in the drunk tank.
While getting captured by the Man goes against the most primal of drunkard instincts, if you’re putting your time and liquor in, it’s going to happen. Make the most of the experience. Pretend you’re Cool Hand Luke. And don’t refrain from telling your friends: Among drunks, the real ones anyway, a night in the tank is a very large feather in the drinking cap.

6) Get drunk on the grave of your hero.
Wait until the cemetery closes for the night, then slip over the fence with a bottle of something strong. Prop your back against the gravestone and tell your hero how much he inspired you, how he changed your life, revel in the fact that your inspiration is only six feet of hard-packed earth away. It’ll be the greatest one-sided conversation you’ll ever have. Then pass out. Let the groundskeeper be your alarm clock.

7) Buy a crowded bar a round.
For no reason at all. Jump up on a barstool and shout it loud: “A round for the house! On me!” Make sure you have a good toast ready, because, for once, they’ll all be listening.

8) Embark on an impromptu road trip.
Out of the blue, propose a trip to Las Vegas, New Orleans, Jack Kerouac’s grave or, for the love of God, the Two-Headed Cattle Museum. It doesn’t really matter where, the joy is in the journey. There’s nothing like a sudden burst of irresponsible freedom to shake up your worldview. It will be an adventure you’ll never forget or get tired of talking about.

9) Get 86’d from a bar.
There are generally two types of drunkards in the world: Those that get 86’d a lot and those who never do. If you’re the latter, you’re missing out on a very special feeling. A man with any character at all must have enemies and places he is not welcome—in the end we are not only defined by our friends, but also those aligned against us. So choose the type of bar you loathe. Get remorselessly smashed on tequila. Let your lizard brain do your talking. Splash the kerosene, drop the match and watch the bridge burn. Few sentences in the English language bespeak a mysterious dark side than: “I’m not allowed in there. And, quite frankly, I don’t blame them.”

10) Extravagantly overtip a bartender.
The next time a bartender is especially kind or proficient, lay a massive tip on her. I mean, massive. You must be relatively sober or they’ll discount the act as drunken foolishness. Say something smooth like, “You’re the best of your kind,” drop the bomb, and—this is important—walk out of the bar without another word. With this single act of unexpected generosity, you will restore a bartender’s faith in humanity and give your own self-image a healthy boost.

11) Walk up to an attractive stranger way out of your league and buy him or her a drink.
You always wanted to do it. You’ve enviously watched your smooth friends do it. Now it’s your turn. The fear is nowhere proportionate to the risk to your ego (she’s out of your league, remember?), yet it still requires a certain amount of courage. It’s akin to sticking your hand down into the garbage disposal. The thing isn’t going to turn on by itself, but still...

12) Conspire an afterhours at your favorite bar.
I’m not talking about them letting you have a quick one in the back while they’re cleaning up. I’m talking about drinking until the sun creeps through the shut blinds. It takes a lot of time and tips to earn the privilege, but there’s nothing quite like it.

13) Make your best friend a perfect martini.
I mean perfect. Employ the proper utensils and the highest-end liquor you can afford. Follow an old-school recipe and take your time. You know how a handmade present from a child always warms the heart of a parent more than the most expensive gift? Same deal. Just a little something for all the times your pal bailed you out. And after your friend has enjoyed your sublime creation, make yourself one, you magnificent bastard.

14) Buy, build or steal a home bar.
Put the well right in your home. Outfit it with many sparkling bottles, accruement and tools. Sit on your barstool with a grossly over-poured cocktail and think: “This is my bar. No one can cut me off, no one can kick me out, none but the floor can announce last call.” You’ve been a sharecropper long enough. Get your own plot of land.

15) Get carried home by your drinking buddies.
In the company of friends you can trust, get fantastically loaded to the point you cannot stand, nevermind walk. Let them brace you from both sides and carry you homeward. Sing like an Irish uncle. Swear love and fealty to your human crutches. These are the bonds that never break.

16) Get drunk with your father.
Getting loaded with the man who brought you into this world is one of the most deeply mystical experiences a human being can manage. If you can’t get your father to commit, find an elder you respect.

17) Fight a good fight.
Samuel Johnson said “Every man thinks meanly of himself for not having been a soldier, or not having been at sea.” Men who go to their graves without ever getting into a fistfight undoubtedly feel the same way. How many times have you gone home thinking, “Damn, I should have clocked that asshole.” Next time, do it. Swing first, swing hard, and make sure you’re in the right. You may not win, but at least you were in there swinging. Fear of losing a fight never stopped Bukowski and neither should it stop you.

18) Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor.
Make a pilgrimage to the headwaters. Follow the river that’s fed you joy to its source. Stand amongst the vats and barrels and absorb the knowledge that this is the spring from which the good times flow. Drink as many free samples as they’ll give you. It might mean a trip to Dublin or Tennessee, but from that moment on you can gaze into your glass and think, “Lad, I met your mother.”

19) Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle.
You’ve spent plenty of time railing against the dying of the light, this time welcome its birth. With a shot.

20) Sit in on an A.A. meeting.
Not all accomplishments are rum and games. File this under the heading of facing your fears. Just as Jonah found enlightenment in the belly of a beast, so will you. You may come to look at it as a sober examination of the safety net (or trampoline, as the case may be). You may view it as a cautionary trip to hell. Either way, you’ll never have to wonder again.

21) Hit a dozen bars in one night.
Make like Marco Polo. Instead of eating one lousy apple, take a bite out of a dozen exotic fruits. Chase the ever elusive good time. A rolling stone gathers no bar tabs.

22) Try at least one hundred different drinks.
Too often we drunks get trapped in a rut, forgetting there is a wide and golden world of forgotten cocktails, strangely-hued beers, mysterious liquors and wines from places we cannot pronounce. Explore the world from your barstool. One need only thumb through a bartender’s guide to realize how wide that world is. And when you return to your rut, and you probably will, you’ll appreciate just how good home can be after months on the road.

23) Get loaded in the land of your forefathers.
An effortless task for Europeans, a broad leap of faith for we colonials. Return to the land from whence your blood sprang, sit down to drinks with those your bold forefathers left behind. And for godsakes, don’t order a Bud.

24) Juice on the job.
You will never comprehend just how pleasurable the workaday grind can be until you bring your old chum alcohol along. You don’t have to get boss-punching drunk, just sneak enough to loosen up that tight harness. It’ll make you wish you worked for a drinking magazine.

25) Split a magnum of expensive champagne with your true love.
Do it up like F. Scott and Zelda before they went crazy. Realize that this is one of the precious few times you can get swizzled in front of your better half and she’ll think it’s wonderfully romantic.

26) Give a hobo twenty bucks.
Make him promise he’s going to spend it on hooch. It won’t be a hard sell. Twenty bucks is the price of a crappy shirt to you, to our alley brethren it’s a gift from the gods.

27) Get loaded and tell your boss exactly how you feel.
It could go down at the company picnic, the Christmas party, or maybe, if you’re really going after Accomplishment #24, right at the office. It’s tremendously cathartic. Years of stress and bitterness will drop from your shoulders and for the first time, after you’re done unloading, you will see your employer as an actual human being. You may very well get fired, but hey, if you’re angry enough to go berserk on your boss, you need to get a new job anyway.

28) Send a friend a bottle of good liquor.
Apropos of nothing and don’t tell him it’s coming. Attach a card reading: “Tonight the drinks are on me.” He will never forget it. There is no better feeling than unexpected free booze.

29) Eat a pickled egg from the big jar.
A bar must own a certain amount of character to carry the big jar. Maybe you’ve seen one. A jar large enough to hold Jay Leno’s head, populated with slightly off-color eggs floating in a murky fluid. You always wondered what they tasted like and it’s time to find out.

30) Go on a fishing trip with your pals.
Ensure you bring enough beer and liquor to paralyze the nation of Liechtenstein. Fishing tackle is optional. Drink near a body of water (you don’t actually have to come in contact or even see the water, but it should be nearby), then, when night falls, build a huge campfire. There is nothing more conducive to male bonding and rampant drinking than a campfire. Trust me, strip clubs come in a distant second.

31) Eat the worm.
It’s a cliche, but so are strippers at a bachelor party. It must be done. The last thing you want to do is mutter a half-hearted lie to your grand kids when they squeal, “Gramps, did you eat the worm?”

32) Learn at least one traditional drinking song.
Ethnically fractured and mixed as we are, we colonials have lost the art of the booze ballad. Watch a European football match on television and first thing you notice is the fans know one hell of a lot of songs. All we Yanks can manage is the “Na-na-na” song and chants of “De-fense!” Sure, we all know the words of Ring of Fire by rote, but what of The Pub with No Beer, My Lip Is on the Cup, and Drunk Last Night, Drunk the Night Before? Also, there’s nothing like a table of drunks bellowing an unidentifiable song in unison to scare the bejesus out of the bar staff.

33) Steal some booze.
Against the law? Sure. A hell of a rush? Absolutely. Of course, not getting caught is very important. Plan well. Nothing tastes quite so sweet.

34) Spend half a paycheck on a single bottle of liquor.
So much money for so little booze. We’ve spent our lives learning the art of getting the most stagger out of the smallest investment. We’ve heard rumors of those insanely expensive bottles, but they might as well sell them on Mars. Out of spite, you’ve probably told yourself: “Screw that—booze is booze. What’s it gonna do, get me five times drunker?” In a better world, maybe. Depending upon the sensitivity of your palette, however, you may come to understand that the rich really do have it better than us. And when I say better, I mean they can afford better booze.

35) Start your long-awaited and very personal autobiography: Me and the Booze: A Love Story.
You don’t have to finish it. Very few do. The point is, the very act of starting an autobiography means you think you’ve lived an exciting enough life to deserve one. Strive for that day.

36) Try absinthe.
Do the full ritual with the spoon and sugar. Drink enough to feel the full effect. Stroll the path that Hemingway, Van Gogh, Degas, F. Scott, and myriad other geniuses spent their lives pounding flat. Just don’t cut your ear off.

37) Watch the movie Barfly with five of your closest friends.
Without a doubt the finest drinking movie ever put to celluloid. Make sure there’s plenty of booze on hand because you’ll want to drink along.

38) Work at least a week as a bartender.
You’ll never fully understand the drinking culture as a whole until you’ve spent some time on the supply side of the wood. The empathy it will lever into your psyche will change your bar behavior forever.

39) Make your own beer, wine or moonshine.
There are fewer finer feelings in the world than to nurture booze from it’s humble, evil-tasting origins to something you can get hammered on. Just expect to repeat these words over and over again when you go mad on the blood of your creation: “I made this! Me! And now I’m drinking it! Woo-hoo!”

40) Go to your place of worship loaded.
Not so loaded they’ll finger you as a walking incarnation of Demon Rum, just enough to make the droning sermons lip-bitingly hilarious. It’s often said that liquor can bring you closer to God, so just think how close you’ll be when you’re hammered in his house.

—Frank Rich